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Jokes

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

What is defference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.

How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date!

Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window.

Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day!!!

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.

What is green and smells?
Hulk's fart.

Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Becase he was a party pooper.

You so short you have to look up to look down.

Yo mamma is so fat:
She eats Wheat Thicks.
We're in her right now.

She was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for a new world.
She lay on the beach and people ran around saying, "FREE WILLY."

Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea lets go bury it".

Yo mamma so ugly, she got arrested for mooning when she looked out a window.

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Yo mama's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.

Yo mama's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.

Yo mama's so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.

Yo mama's so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Yo mama's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo mama's so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. The invisible hand does it.

How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat peple.

I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?

Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!

What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms?
Matt!

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.

Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.

Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.

Why are guys like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!

What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you.
You have left the chain to long.

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.

I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If it weren't for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight.

Don't spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.

Yo mama's so stupid she can't pass a blood test.

Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.

Yo mama's so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mama's so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.

Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.

Yo mama so old she has Jesus' beeper number!

Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.

Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine?

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots.

What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 100, 1 to hold the lightbulb & 99 to turn the house.

Q: Why don't blonds make ice cubes?
A: Because they don't know the recipe.

I came over to my blonde friend the other day and said, "Hey look a dead bird."
She looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

College teacher: What's the capital of Texas?
Blonde: T

Why does a blonde smile during a lighting storm?
Because she think, that picture being taking.

What's the blondes idea of safe s*x?
Locking the car door.

Q: 17 blonds stand out side a workout room, why don't they go in
A: The sign says must be 18 to enter.

Blonde: Hey, What does 'IDK' mean?
Brunnete: I don't know.
Blonde: Oh my god NOBODY KNOWS!

How do you know if a blonde has been in your car???
The gear stick is wet.

How many blonde jokes are there?
1 the rest of them are true stories.

How did the Blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her!

Two blonde women are talking..
- you know, yesterday, I cheated on my husband
- did you do it for money or for love?
- for love of course, 'cause you know $300 is not really money anymore...

What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?
The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on .

I was out for a drink with the wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She asked me, "Is that you or the beer talking"
I said, "It's me........I'm talking to the beer"!